On the passing of a friend...
We lost an amazing person today. Was it unexpected? Yes and no. She had been battling cancer off and on for years, but the suddenness of her decline this week brought me to my knees. When she entered the hospital early in the week, I had no idea that hospice would be called in by the week's end. God's plan is perfect. While I am so incredibly sad, I am also so incredibly grateful that the Lord chose to bless her in bringing her to Heaven quickly, without prolonged pain.
Death brings those left behind to a paradox. There is much to say, and yet we don't feel we have the words.
This afternoon, I posted two lyrics from "I Will Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns to my Facebook page: "And though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm." The post seemed justified-- after all, how often have we heard that music fills the void we can't express how we feel? My heart is torn. It's been a long time since the broken-hearted emoji has so eloquently summed up my feelings. But, ultimately, I take courage in the fact that Jesus' victory over death is a victory for us, too; that we can continue to praise Him because we will spend eternity with the Lord in Heaven.
However, the post was a cop-out, and I know it.
I have the words, I just wasn't brave enough to face the emotional onslaught of sharing them.
But my friend was honest and she was open; with her faith, with her feelings, with her fears. So, with some well-timed nudging from another dear friend who recently walked this road in her ministry, here are my raw words that I wish I could have shared with my friend.
S,
I am so sorry. I am sorry for the pain and discomfort you had to endure during your last months of your earthly walk. I am sorry for the big events and small moments with M, A, and the boys that you are going to miss. I am sorry for the pain that your family has experienced and will experience. I know watching them worry about you was probably one of the most difficult parts of your journey. I am sorry for the decisions you had to face about treatment plans and long-term planning. I am sorry I didn't see you this week-- I literally had no idea it would happen this fast. I should have come to see you this week. I'm sorry.
If I had been there, I would have told you how much you mean to me, as a friend, as a sister in Christ, as a member of the Kids Ministry team, as a middle school small group leader. (Middle school girl ministry takes a special kind of courage/patience combination that my heart does not contain. God bless you for serving in this way). I would have told you how much you mean to my daughter, Caroline. Your support and guidance has meant so much to someone navigating so much newness in her first year of middle school. I would have told you how much you mean to our church family- that your innumerable acts of service have blessed so many in big and small ways. The number of your good works, just the ones I know about, rival the stars! I would have told you that you are one of the greatest examples of servant leadership I have ever seen. I truly, truly mean that, with all of my heart. I would have told you that your faith has and will continue to inspire all those who have been blessed enough to witness it. I would have told you that you radiate joy, and that your smile has brought sunbeams into my sometimes growchy growchy attitude in a way that caused me to sit and take notice.
If I had been there, I would have told you that I love you, that Jesus loves you, and that I will see you again.
But you already knew that.
Love,
Hillary
2/24/19
Death brings those left behind to a paradox. There is much to say, and yet we don't feel we have the words.
This afternoon, I posted two lyrics from "I Will Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns to my Facebook page: "And though my heart is torn,
I will praise you in this storm." The post seemed justified-- after all, how often have we heard that music fills the void we can't express how we feel? My heart is torn. It's been a long time since the broken-hearted emoji has so eloquently summed up my feelings. But, ultimately, I take courage in the fact that Jesus' victory over death is a victory for us, too; that we can continue to praise Him because we will spend eternity with the Lord in Heaven.
However, the post was a cop-out, and I know it.
I have the words, I just wasn't brave enough to face the emotional onslaught of sharing them.
But my friend was honest and she was open; with her faith, with her feelings, with her fears. So, with some well-timed nudging from another dear friend who recently walked this road in her ministry, here are my raw words that I wish I could have shared with my friend.
S,
I am so sorry. I am sorry for the pain and discomfort you had to endure during your last months of your earthly walk. I am sorry for the big events and small moments with M, A, and the boys that you are going to miss. I am sorry for the pain that your family has experienced and will experience. I know watching them worry about you was probably one of the most difficult parts of your journey. I am sorry for the decisions you had to face about treatment plans and long-term planning. I am sorry I didn't see you this week-- I literally had no idea it would happen this fast. I should have come to see you this week. I'm sorry.
If I had been there, I would have told you how much you mean to me, as a friend, as a sister in Christ, as a member of the Kids Ministry team, as a middle school small group leader. (Middle school girl ministry takes a special kind of courage/patience combination that my heart does not contain. God bless you for serving in this way). I would have told you how much you mean to my daughter, Caroline. Your support and guidance has meant so much to someone navigating so much newness in her first year of middle school. I would have told you how much you mean to our church family- that your innumerable acts of service have blessed so many in big and small ways. The number of your good works, just the ones I know about, rival the stars! I would have told you that you are one of the greatest examples of servant leadership I have ever seen. I truly, truly mean that, with all of my heart. I would have told you that your faith has and will continue to inspire all those who have been blessed enough to witness it. I would have told you that you radiate joy, and that your smile has brought sunbeams into my sometimes growchy growchy attitude in a way that caused me to sit and take notice.
If I had been there, I would have told you that I love you, that Jesus loves you, and that I will see you again.
But you already knew that.
Love,
Hillary
2/24/19